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glyficTitle: Reassociation be damned
Author:malurette
Fandom: Star Trek: Deep Space 9
Characters: Ezri Dax & Ziranne Idaris, Jadzia Dax(/Worf), Julian Bashir
Rating: PG / K+
Disclaimer: Paramount's
Prompt: "confessions" forladiesbingo
Continuity: post series, post relaunch books, uses The lives of Dax, post Control
Word count: ~700
***
When Julian retreats inside himself Ezri’s reminded of that time with Ziranne and how he helped her get out of her own catatonia to get back to her own self… and how for his troubles he got so heavily sedated and almost slipped into a coma. Now he won’t wake up and she can’t help him. Even the best psychotherapeut, if she’s not also telepathic, cannot reach a patient that doesn’t want to be helped.
Nothing in her life nor all of Dax’ could have prepared her for this.
But once she’s fixated on this idea she decides to seek out Ziranne, Reassociation be damned. It won’t help Julian, but it will help her cope, and it’s all she can do at the moment. She won’t neglect her own needs.
She slept with Worf and kept friends that were Jadzia’s; why are family members
and spouses different from friends and casual lovers anyway, hm?
She remembers Ziranne from Jadzia’s memories. Ziranne never wanted to be joined either. But at some point, presented with a stolen symbiont passed around like a commodity, she volunteered as a host to stole it back to get it back to Trill, to the pools, to the system. She nealy lost herself in the process. She was so unprepared.
If… if Roa couldn’t be separated and they had to stay joined, would have it changed Jadzia’s life? would have it affected Ezri’s too, somehow set a course of actions that would have kept Dax out of her path… the former yes, the latter no, most probably not.
Reassociation be damned, she also remembers how much Jadzia loved Lenara, more than Torias loved Nilani; but Ezri… Ezri doesn’t. For Jadzia’s sake she’s disappointed that Lenara wasn’t brave enough to forgo the Reassociation taboo.
If they had eloped Jadzia wouldn’t have married Worf, wouldn’t have tried for a child with him, and maybe just maybe, wouldn’t have been killed so stupidly.
Well she could easily have died later in this war anyway, but at least not in the same circumstances. And Ezri wouldn’t have needed to volunteer to get joined with Dax. This could have changed her life, but didn’t.
So she won’t seek Nilani out. She doesn’t want to romance her. She couldn’t be her friend.
But she would love to be Ziranne’s friend however, however tinted by jealousy their relation would be, how unequal. She wishes she got to know her as Ezri, not with Jadzia’s memories.
She still hopes she’ll get to get reacquainted with her anyway—though she suspects she won’t.
She knows it’s a bad idea but still she needs to tell her that she never wanted either.
When Jadzia was killed and Dax threatened Ezri did the right thing and sacrificed her individuality to save the symbiont and she came to accept it. She lost a part of her family in the process and she’s not allowed to gain another sister.
She’s Dax and she’s not Jadzia.
Ziranne Idaris got her own life, her sister to mourn, her job to do; she doesn’t need Ezri barging in.
And yet…
Ezri wants, Ezri needs to tell her these things.
‘‘Hello. You don’t know me; I’m Ezri, formerly Ezri Tigan, now Ezri Dax.
‘I know you from Jadzia’s memories and I know it’s unfair, but I wanted to tell you…
‘…I don’t even know what I want to tell you.
‘I made my peace with being Dax.
‘And I know I would have loved knowing you, unjoined, as just Ezri.
‘I know I’m not Jadzia.
‘I’m sorry I told you that.
‘I’m glad I remember you.’’
She manages to refrain from saying
‘I envy you’;
why burden her even further.
Or,
‘I know how brave you are, I know how much you loved each other.’
That feels too voyeuristic. That’s why she was supposed to keep all of this secret. Why it’s taboo to bring it up.
‘Thank you for existing.’
is all she can add. Oddly, that’s what Ziranne also says at the very same time, even though she sounds unsure.
Author:
maluretteFandom: Star Trek: Deep Space 9
Characters: Ezri Dax & Ziranne Idaris, Jadzia Dax(/Worf), Julian Bashir
Rating: PG / K+
Disclaimer: Paramount's
Prompt: "confessions" for
ladiesbingo Continuity: post series, post relaunch books, uses The lives of Dax, post Control
Word count: ~700
When Julian retreats inside himself Ezri’s reminded of that time with Ziranne and how he helped her get out of her own catatonia to get back to her own self… and how for his troubles he got so heavily sedated and almost slipped into a coma. Now he won’t wake up and she can’t help him. Even the best psychotherapeut, if she’s not also telepathic, cannot reach a patient that doesn’t want to be helped.
Nothing in her life nor all of Dax’ could have prepared her for this.
But once she’s fixated on this idea she decides to seek out Ziranne, Reassociation be damned. It won’t help Julian, but it will help her cope, and it’s all she can do at the moment. She won’t neglect her own needs.
She slept with Worf and kept friends that were Jadzia’s; why are family members
and spouses different from friends and casual lovers anyway, hm?
She remembers Ziranne from Jadzia’s memories. Ziranne never wanted to be joined either. But at some point, presented with a stolen symbiont passed around like a commodity, she volunteered as a host to stole it back to get it back to Trill, to the pools, to the system. She nealy lost herself in the process. She was so unprepared.
If… if Roa couldn’t be separated and they had to stay joined, would have it changed Jadzia’s life? would have it affected Ezri’s too, somehow set a course of actions that would have kept Dax out of her path… the former yes, the latter no, most probably not.
Reassociation be damned, she also remembers how much Jadzia loved Lenara, more than Torias loved Nilani; but Ezri… Ezri doesn’t. For Jadzia’s sake she’s disappointed that Lenara wasn’t brave enough to forgo the Reassociation taboo.
If they had eloped Jadzia wouldn’t have married Worf, wouldn’t have tried for a child with him, and maybe just maybe, wouldn’t have been killed so stupidly.
Well she could easily have died later in this war anyway, but at least not in the same circumstances. And Ezri wouldn’t have needed to volunteer to get joined with Dax. This could have changed her life, but didn’t.
So she won’t seek Nilani out. She doesn’t want to romance her. She couldn’t be her friend.
But she would love to be Ziranne’s friend however, however tinted by jealousy their relation would be, how unequal. She wishes she got to know her as Ezri, not with Jadzia’s memories.
She still hopes she’ll get to get reacquainted with her anyway—though she suspects she won’t.
She knows it’s a bad idea but still she needs to tell her that she never wanted either.
When Jadzia was killed and Dax threatened Ezri did the right thing and sacrificed her individuality to save the symbiont and she came to accept it. She lost a part of her family in the process and she’s not allowed to gain another sister.
She’s Dax and she’s not Jadzia.
Ziranne Idaris got her own life, her sister to mourn, her job to do; she doesn’t need Ezri barging in.
And yet…
Ezri wants, Ezri needs to tell her these things.
‘‘Hello. You don’t know me; I’m Ezri, formerly Ezri Tigan, now Ezri Dax.
‘I know you from Jadzia’s memories and I know it’s unfair, but I wanted to tell you…
‘…I don’t even know what I want to tell you.
‘I made my peace with being Dax.
‘And I know I would have loved knowing you, unjoined, as just Ezri.
‘I know I’m not Jadzia.
‘I’m sorry I told you that.
‘I’m glad I remember you.’’
She manages to refrain from saying
‘I envy you’;
why burden her even further.
Or,
‘I know how brave you are, I know how much you loved each other.’
That feels too voyeuristic. That’s why she was supposed to keep all of this secret. Why it’s taboo to bring it up.
‘Thank you for existing.’
is all she can add. Oddly, that’s what Ziranne also says at the very same time, even though she sounds unsure.
